If we’re realistic, what are the chances of the UK naked ladies’ synchronised swimming team trekking all the way out to the Cheviots to put on a display for me? Particularly as I don’t have a swimming pool.
7 February 2006

I still shudder when I recall the sixth form party where a girl called Amanda, who was well known to snog anyone, rejected my advances with the immortal line ‘When your friend said you had film star looks, I didn’t think he meant Orson Welles.’
14 February 2006

So we finally get to meet the first horseman of the Apocalypse, and he turns out to be a sneezing duck. How’s that for bathos? I have naturally been as shocked as anyone by the way the bird flu panic has begun to take hold. But at least it hasn’t all been bad news, as I remarked when Keith Harris and Orville were stoned to death by a frightened crowd in Stoke-on-Trent the other night.
7 March 2006

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